43 years

Today is my birthday

I have survived quite a lot of heartbreak, mean words and dashed hopes

I am still standing, I am bruised but not broken...

this is the reason I celebrate.

We are the end of the line, and this life is all we've got.

My hubby is the last to pass on the family name, and I am the last to pass on the religious lineage.

We are the end of the conga line...so until we are no longer here

We are gonna dance, smile, make noise and maybe some trouble too!

Post birthday

OK so I have really sucked at posting to my own darn blog...I am tired of saying sorry about it so this is my last time!

so there.

In the last two and a half weeks, my mother has essentially almost literally imploded and I was running back and forth like a crazed lady trying to keep things straight, keep myself emotionally in check, inform way too many people about every move via text messages,
and get some food and or sleep.

Yes, these were often interchangeable.

So now that the pace has slowed down...to a lower humm of chaos. 

I am back at trying to tackle the lofty aspirations I have for myself and my art calendar.

Sadly, in the wild and crazy wind of it all, my birthday approached and
when it arrived yesterday I was spent.
I had nothing left for myself or to give to others.

This made me very very sad and I started my party early the day before
 by throwing myself a pity party.

After about an hour of crying, I pulled myself up by my tattered and worn bootstraps
 and got myself out of the house.

My goal was to get hubby a CD that he really wanted.

I was grumpy still, not totally happy with my choice to leave my own party early...

As I was driving to the shop, via side streets (just to keep me out that much longer) the car in front of me slowed WAY down for what looked like a little leaf in the road....well when I saw three men standing on the sidewalk watching, I pulled over. It was not a leaf...it was a baby possum!

the smallest little wild thing I have seen in a long long time!

not the one I saw but just as cute and small

These men, stopped traffic in one direction and I stopped it in another, and slowly and lovingly escorted this little lost baby back into the garden it had wandered from.

It was a good deed, we were all very happy to see it waddle back into the undergrowth of the urban garden and hopefully tell the tale to its momma there.

At this point my mood shifted totally. I didn't want to go back to that stupid party...it was silly

I stopped at the overloaded and sensory overwhelmed beauty supply store and

I bought myself a bottle of the liquid gold that seems to tame the mane, I only buy once a year:

$20 a bottle for conditioner seems too much
so instead I buy it once a year and ration it out

After that I bought some brownie mix and headed home to eat some leftover Chinese food and bake brownies for work. Hell, if my birthday was gonna suck, it was because I was gonna let it.

I would have none of that.

When the sun finally came up, well actually, when the alarm finally went off (far more accurate)

I made some "I am awake sounds" to let hubby know...once he made his, he grabbed me and said, HAPPY BIRTHDAY...that made me smile and then I sang at the top of my lungs and much to the cats disapproval this song that was playing on the clock radio:

This act had us in hysterics in moments....

it ended up being a quiet birthday. A vast vast change from years before when there was usually a party or loads of friends. But it seemed fitting, I was emotionally spent and it was about all I could muster. As I am now in the day after birthday reflections, I am very thankful for my hubby who wrote me a crazy romantic love note on facebook which just about knocked me out of my chair...my family who loves me dearly and the friends who took time to wish me a happy birthday.

I really really am OK...a little shaky at times, but it is gonna be another exciting journey around the sun this year!

Birthday

1972 waiting for the party to start

Today is my birthday...as a kid it was a BIG deal.

My parents felt it was a big deal, my grandparents felt it was a big deal...

so I too learned it was a BIG deal.

I had elaborate home thrown parties, thanks to the handiwork of my parents.

I was told I needed to invite everyone in my class,

so often times 30+ kids would show up plus family!

Homemade cakes, pinatas, coloring and screaming like a banshee

was always part of the fun.

My parents kept this pace up from my first to my 18th birthday!

After that things became more and more refined...

There were less people at the parties, but more deliberate moves:

surprise guests, surprise locations,

My parents have even managed into my adulthood to continue to surprise me...

when my birthday fell on workdays I would often try and take them off...

but when I couldn't

I would find that my parents had written happy birthday along my path in chalk!

Literally stopping and writing it in the road along the way to work

When my hubby and I married, he freaked out at my first birthday...

I mean he had a TOUGH act to follow.

He often goes white around this time of the year...he is not one for surprises for himself,

but knows I really enjoy a good rattle...

so over the years he has gone well out of his comfort zone to make my birthdays special.

I have never been away for my birthday, I always make sure to see my parents and thank them for being who they are and encouraging me to be anyone I dream to become.

I consider myself more then lucky.

I am so truly and amazingly honored to walk thru life with these people.

Our mutual desire is to make each other happy and celebrate this crazy time we call life!

Explordinary*

With kitty on the mend and acting far more like himself I am feeling more and more able to start to relax and not think that every hiccup or long nap is a sign of impending doom.

Since March 14th or so, I have really not been able to focus on much of anything with great depth. So it is like starting from square one all over again...I still am working on catching up with some sleep and keeping up with the copious amounts of admin work that comes with being an artist.

It, among other items, are seemingly deeply kept secrets that are never shared

with students who are wanting to become artists.

Well working ones. 

With this struggle to regain my momentum I have been a little hard on myself....I'll own up to it

me circa 1973..I am as tall as a goat, amazing

I know I am not the only one that does this...my birthday is a mere two weeks away and it has me thinking. You know those mortal thoughts about your own life.

The reassessment of all that you are and who you have become...

What the hell am I doing, how can I be a better person, what can I do with my time here...have I already wasted it all? Is it too late for new adventures and thoughts.

My birthday often has me wanting to reinvent myself too...new haircut, new styles, improved ideals.

There has been a lot of death this year, with family, friends and far away places...in fact I cut myself off from news all together for a couple of weeks after the Japan earthquake and tsunami

(you still can make a donation to the red cross or animal rescue groups, check out my sidebar).

 I was glued to the television at one point watching an Al Jazzera report, in Chinese dubbed in Russian, and subtitled in English reading off the towns that were destroyed and the climbing causalities counts.  I was terrified to turn off the reports for fear that someone would be forgotten.

I found myself doing the same thing after 9/11; It happened with the newscasts in New York too....watching, weeping as people pleaded to help find their missing loved ones in the chaos.

I was so deeply effected it paralyzed me, literally.

So in an effort to protect myself and my shaky sanity I turned off the news, both online and via TV...it was hard as I am quite a newshound and enjoy knowing what is happening outside my home. My choice proved to be a good one when the first rains arrived and my hubby let slip that this was the first sheet of radiation rain...I went white and he remembered I had no clue what was happening!

I am still cautious about what I read...there is a lot of fear-feeding going on right now.

So with the lack of sleep, the heavy work load, self imposed time lines and goals, impending birthday and fear mongering I am looking to what I hold dear and near.

Remembering what I value most and what I aspire to still achieve.

I am sure these next few days will be interesting ones...hold on it could be a bumpy ride

Life is not for the faint of heart, but boy I appreciate this...it is far better then the alternative!

* Explordinary= my god daughter was watching a film and a scene came on that had a boy and a girl kiss; with a squeal she rolled into a ball and covered her eyes, only peeking thru her fingers and asking me to tell her when the scene was over. When I said they were done, and all seemed to survive just fine I asked, what was going thru her mind. Was it embarrassing, or scary or what? She said no to all my suggestions but instead said it was explordinary...
I am still not sure what that means, but with the smile on her face and the giggle in her voice I would guess it means...a thrill!

photo of the day

this is why I was willing to spend the whole of saturday baking.

Happy birthday my dear sweet nephew!



Birthday sugar

Handy Manny is the inspiration, so blue hammers it is!

I am making a mountain of cupcakes and cookies and a personal birthday cake just for my youngest Nephew.

I am making everything from scratch and hubby even helped frost the cookies saying under his breath they will sure know which ones the Uncle helped with. I think the fact that the Uncle helped is magical in itself...what a good Uncle.

I will report more tomorrow, I think I am a little buzzed from the vast amount of sugar in the air!

Reflections: Part I

Time is going by fast...I mean really quickly.

I am still trying to catch up from my birthday festivities, and that was almost two weeks ago!

Here are a few pics to start with:

this is the lime mint smoothie.yuuuuuum

that started the weeklong celebration!

I was a little scared of 40...but a 100 minute massage melted that away

birthday self-portrait (I take them every year...except I don't keep them all in one place so I have birthday portraits floating around everywhere and who knows where.

Birthday Mai-Tai ~ no fear of 40 here

My sweetie threw me a BBQ in a park and was able to get friends and family to attend! Including my roomie from Paris...he is so wonderful and the efforts of all really really made me weepy.

one of the many magic tricks my hubby is capable of...catch lizards with a grass snare and then set them free.

fresh carrots from the garden....thank goodness for the friendly garden gnomes...as my garden has taken a back seat in my life...the gnomes were kind enough to weed my plot to my surprise.

I was easily able to find my carrots and beets!

The weeks closing ceramonies was a surprise trip to the Getty where additional family met us there! Although we spread to the four directions on entering the building I had a lovely day of inspiration and tears.

I cried a fair bit this birthday...I tryed to hide it though.