Tuesday, April 12, 2011


With kitty on the mend and acting far more like himself I am feeling more and more able to start to relax and not think that every hiccup or long nap is a sign of impending doom.

Since March 14th or so, I have really not been able to focus on much of anything with great depth. So it is like starting from square one all over again...I still am working on catching up with some sleep and keeping up with the copious amounts of admin work that comes with being an artist.
It, among other items, are seemingly deeply kept secrets that are never shared
with students who are wanting to become artists.
Well working ones. 
With this struggle to regain my momentum I have been a little hard on myself....I'll own up to it

me circa 1973..I am as tall as a goat, amazing
I know I am not the only one that does this...my birthday is a mere two weeks away and it has me thinking. You know those mortal thoughts about your own life.
The reassessment of all that you are and who you have become...
What the hell am I doing, how can I be a better person, what can I do with my time here...have I already wasted it all? Is it too late for new adventures and thoughts.
My birthday often has me wanting to reinvent myself too...new haircut, new styles, improved ideals.

There has been a lot of death this year, with family, friends and far away places...in fact I cut myself off from news all together for a couple of weeks after the Japan earthquake and tsunami
(you still can make a donation to the red cross or animal rescue groups, check out my sidebar).

 I was glued to the television at one point watching an Al Jazzera report, in Chinese dubbed in Russian, and subtitled in English reading off the towns that were destroyed and the climbing causalities counts.  I was terrified to turn off the reports for fear that someone would be forgotten.
I found myself doing the same thing after 9/11; It happened with the newscasts in New York too....watching, weeping as people pleaded to help find their missing loved ones in the chaos.
I was so deeply effected it paralyzed me, literally.
So in an effort to protect myself and my shaky sanity I turned off the news, both online and via TV...it was hard as I am quite a newshound and enjoy knowing what is happening outside my home. My choice proved to be a good one when the first rains arrived and my hubby let slip that this was the first sheet of radiation rain...I went white and he remembered I had no clue what was happening!
I am still cautious about what I read...there is a lot of fear-feeding going on right now.

So with the lack of sleep, the heavy work load, self imposed time lines and goals, impending birthday and fear mongering I am looking to what I hold dear and near.
Remembering what I value most and what I aspire to still achieve.

I am sure these next few days will be interesting ones...hold on it could be a bumpy ride
Life is not for the faint of heart, but boy I appreciate this...it is far better then the alternative!

* Explordinary= my god daughter was watching a film and a scene came on that had a boy and a girl kiss; with a squeal she rolled into a ball and covered her eyes, only peeking thru her fingers and asking me to tell her when the scene was over. When I said they were done, and all seemed to survive just fine I asked, what was going thru her mind. Was it embarrassing, or scary or what? She said no to all my suggestions but instead said it was explordinary...
I am still not sure what that means, but with the smile on her face and the giggle in her voice I would guess it means...a thrill!

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