BARREN: life on infertile soil

In honor of NIAW I am posting words or images

I have taken or written about our experience with infertility

A piece I wrote in 2011 for NIAW:

Hubby and I met when we were 21 and 19, I am the cradle robber. It was love at first sight and we have been together since that first date. We waited 10 years before getting married, and another two years before sitting down and talking about how we wanted to become parents. Once we decided, we opened the doors and waited for that positive pregnancy test. In the first year we dealt with my body booby-trapping our plans. The second year we were fighting off the doctors trying to remove my reproductive system. The third year we were trying to simply have a life outside a doctor’s office and then the fourth and fifth years we experienced our miscarriages.

Now we are in our sixth eighth year and we are painfully aware that we are not going to become parents as we had hoped.

In the third year of our infertility journey, I started focusing my artwork on our struggle. As an artist, I turn to my work as a means to process life, and this was one the most complex times in our lives. At first I made the work as a way to comfort myself; I kept the images close and shared them with no one, much like a visual journal. After the first few images were made, something shifted and I started seeing images in my mind all day and in my dreams at night. The comfort became an obsession and a race to capture these feelings and emotions visually.

In October of 2010 I had a public exhibition of my infertility images.

Since the opening, I have received so many kind emails and comments about the show;
so many people poured their hearts out to me and shared stories of their own personal losses.
It has been humbling and amazing.

 

BARREN: life on infertile soil

personal images of infertility

 

The inspiration for the show was not only the discovery of my own infertility, but the silence surrounding it. The longstanding stigma of shame has made us a silent tribe of women. Using photography, printmaking, assemblage and mixed media I examine the quiet reflections of a life without children, in a child-centric world and what it means to navigate daily in those constraints.

I have created an exhibit that draws from my experiences and expresses how infertility has touched me emotionally, changed my self-identity, and affected my relationships with the world around me. The images range from quiet and painterly to bold and vivid personal storytelling; many of the works are from my perspective and allow the viewer to enter that same space. The inclusion of four journal entries next to photographs, as well as a wordless lullaby written and performed by my husband which is heard through headphones while sitting in a rocking chair, make a very private experience very public.

 

The exhibit can be seen HERE

Busting a Myth-Blame Game

To honor National Infertility Awareness Week I have chosen to repost a piece I wrote two years ago for RESOLVE's call for writers.

 

The theme was "busting myths" about infertility.

Here is my contribution:

one of many sticks I peed on

 

MYTH: You did something to cause your infertility that is why you can’t get pregnant

According to RESOLVE there are few lifestyle choices that cause permanent damage to your fertility. I think when push comes to shove; the easiest path for most is the “blame game”.

For us the first years of our infertility was my fault; according to doctors and family at least.

I cannot tell you how often I heard that I must be doing something wrong…

you must not have counted the days correctly.

You must not have kept your pelvis tilted long enough? 

You probably didn’t have sex enough or at the right times.

Being a longtime vegetarian

You just are not trying hard enough

If they were not focusing on our sex life; they were offering up suggestions for food, exercise, eastern medicine and rituals. In our physicians, friends and families eyes, this was entirely our fault and we had clearly overlooked something.  It quickly became insulting and hurtful.

Well, we were rabbits! I have been a healthy vegetarian for close to twenty years, I had never drank, I had never smoked, I took my vitamins, I moved my body, I wasn’t overweight or underweight. I was just your average healthy Jane; nothing remarkable or special about me.  

We explored non-traditional medicines, exercises, meditations and non-evasive medical treatments that fit our beliefs.

When I finally complained about extreme pain (I waited several months to do this as I thought I needed to suffer to become a mother), I was told that I was overreacting to having painful periods. It was only after advocating for myself that it was discovered that there was a medical reason for my infertility, and it had NOTHING to do with my lifestyle or lack of trying.

My Infertility came from a combination of a birth defect and aggressively relentless fibroids, cysts and stage IV Endometriosis. Nothing I could have eaten, taken, or chosen did this.
Making love 24 hours a day, 7 days a week would never have changed this.

It was not my fault and no one is to blame.

This is the message that is the hardest to still get through people’s minds. The easiest route is to play the blame game; the harder choice is to be empathetic.

So I implore you to "Be tough" and make the harder choices.
Empathy

NIAW-Reminder

In honor of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week)

I am posting words and images I have written or taken
about our experience with infertility.

 

2012 RESOLVE theme "Don't Ignore Infertility"

NIAW starts today

National Infertility Awareness Week starts today

I will be posting several times this week

in honor of something that has radically changed our lives:



How I spent my Thanksgiving

One month ago I tested mildly elevated for a CA125 ovarian cancer marker test.

It was considered an early warning sign for a cancer that is often diagnosed way too late.

Through the tears, I saw this as a gift and a reminder that life always offers surprises.

 

under the power of many mantras and bathed in love

 

On November 16th at 11 am I had surgery to remove the 5cm endometrioma that was causing all the commotion and concern. I knew going into the surgery that I might loose my left ovary to the disease.

I'm allergic to everything...
 

 

two hours after surgery, still a little green but walking per doctors orders
 

my swollen tummy and bruised button two days post surgery

 

My doctor was able to remove the cyst and save my ovary, she also declared that she saw nothing cancerous or cancer suspicious during the surgery. *
I can now report that all pathology came back clear...we got it in time!

 

I have experienced an OVER POURING of love, and kindness from friends and family.

I am beyond words, embarrassed from the fuss...but humbled and so so honored.

I can not thank you enough, really.

 

my oldest friend stayed with us for the first four days
She and hubby made it easier to ride the waves

 

Today marks one week since the surgery.
I have not taken a single pain pill, no need for them as there has been no pain!

I have spent it re-cooping and laying low.

My hubby has mostly convinced me that although it feels like I could sneeze or cough my innards out of my incisions, that is not the case. 

 

I have also spent a good bit of time burping and laughing.

National Infertility Awareness Week April 24th -30th

Today kicks off National Infertility Awareness Week,

in honor of this I am busting a commonly believed myth.

The purpose is to educate and stop misinformation.

Infertility has forced me to become an advocate for truth and an activist for empathy 

You did something to cause your infertility that is why you can’t get pregnant

According to RESOLVE there are few lifestyle choices that cause permanent damage to your fertility. I think when push comes to shove; the easiest path for most is the “blame game”.

For us the first years of our infertility was my fault; according to doctors and family at least.

I cannot tell you how often I heard that I must be doing something wrong… you must not have counted the days correctly. You must not have kept your pelvis tilted long enough? You probably didn’t have sex enough or at the right times.

If they were not focusing on our sex life; they were offering up suggestions for food, exercise, eastern medicine and rituals. In our physicians, friends and families eyes, this was entirely our fault and we had clearly overlooked something. It quickly became insulting and hurtful.

Well we were rabbits! I have been a healthy vegetarian for close to twenty years, I had never drank, I had never smoked, I took my vitamins, I moved my body, I wasn’t overweight or underweight. I was just your average healthy Jane; nothing remarkable or special about me. We explored non-traditional medicines, exercises, meditations and non-evasive medical treatments that fit our beliefs.

When I finally to complained about extreme pain (I waited several months to do this as I thought I needed to suffer to become a mother), I was told that I was overreacting to having painful periods. It was only after advocating for myself that it was discovered that there was a medical reason for my infertility, and it had NOTHING to do with my lifestyle or lack of trying.

My Infertility came from a combination of a birth defect and aggressively relentless fibroids and cysts. Nothing I could have eaten, taken, or chosen did this. Making love 24 hours a day, 7 days a week would never have changed this. It was not my fault and no one is to blame.

It is this message that is the hardest to still get thru people’s minds.

The easiest route is to play the blame game; the harder choice is to be empathetic.

Be tough and make the harder choices.

Off the subject

Although the theme is Art this month, this works well with my upcoming show.
A little humor to lighten the pain.

The First Buzz.....

Cherry on the cupcake!

For my upcoming solo show I started sending out press releases last week. Not only was it a great exercise on how these documents were written, but it allowed me to focus on what the show was saying.

As my show is about my/our infertility, I sent a few press releases to some of the blogs that I read.

When we found out that we were facing a childless life 5+ years ago, I went searching on the Internet for a family, a community of people like me. I came up blank...blogs were new, the search engines were not as powerful as they are today and so I found myself alone in the vast sea of overwhelming information from the clinic.

Today thankfully I am not as alone in my personal journey. There are many women and couples dealing with infertility and coping with it in many different ways. I found my tribe.

Today Life Without Baby has mentioned my upcoming show!

Lisa Manterfield has created a wonderful community and a safe place to express what it is like to be childless either by choice or circumstance. A big round of applause to her and the many members!

We are all still learning but we are all brave and strong in our journeys.

Thank you Lisa, for including me and helping me spread the word.